My heart contains so much desire. That which I indulge my heart in, it is there my desire only grows. If I were to write one thank you letter to our Creator, it would be this: thank you for letting me desire.
I look all around me and my friends are completely different than I. We desire so much that is so different than the other. How blessed am I for this to be the case. My life has been enriched tenfold because my friends bring to my table that which I cannot. And they seek this. We seek to be different. We seek what we love. We seek the desires of our heart that have been placed there long before He awoke the beast. We seek our desire and our desire is our calling. I may not understand what they love but they love what they do; and that is extraordinary.
If you were to ask me at the beginning of this summer, “Jessica, what plans you got going on?” I would have nothing to tell you. All I knew is that my heart was aching for that which I did not know. It was not aching like my heart normally aches (perhaps due to loneliness or frustration). I do not feel it all the time yet when it appears, my heart aches. As John Eldredge writes, that which I completely agree with, “But again and again it returns to us, this yearning that cries out for the life we prize. It is elusive, to be sure. It seems to come and go at will. Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know that when it returns that it is priceless.” Indeed, it is priceless. This adventure, this desire, this joy, this pain, this suffering is our compass. “When our desire is too much to bear, we often bury it beneath frenzied thoughts and activities or escape it by dulling out our immediate consciousness of living” yet it will keep touching us in unguarded moments. He continues to write that which I feel all can relate to… “Because we have not solved the riddle of our existence, we assume that something is wrong - not with life, but with us. Everyone else seems to be getting on with things. We feel guilty about out chronic disappointment. Even while we are doing other things, ‘getting on with life’, we still have an eye out for the life we secretly want.”
And so, every so often this desire consumes my heart like a fire and I never know when it’s going to go out. More importantly, I am scared of when it will surface because I don’t know how to contain it. And so, as it did, as I knew it would, and as I wish it hadn’t, desire enveloped my heart. Truly and honestly, enveloped my heart. And it hurt. It made my heart ache. To desire what we desire, is to be honest, and forthcoming, and sincere. Therefore, it it is rewarding, but what is rewarding is not always easy to acquire.
My desires are that of a simple man. I desire to be of service. Often, I fulfill this desire by hanging out with my Capernaum friends. Every so often this desire increases so much so that it leaves me in tears. And every time this happens, I swear to you, the Lord answers faithfully. At the end of this summer, I will be living for two weeks in such an unpredictable way. I will be living with a group of women who are addicts of all sorts as they are of service to the community around them. This community is in Lima, Peru at an orphanage. In the most Godly way, this opportunity literally fell into my lap. I mean — who doesn’t know that that are traveling to another country especially two months before they are actually going? What was my mom going to say? It was insane and crazy.
"Thus all the miseries of man prove his granduer. What can this incessant craving mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to him."
And so not only was the gift of this trip insane and crazy, but it was an act of love, for He who promised to fulfill the desires of my heart is faithful.